The One Where Alex Tells Maggie About Tessa
by corikane
Summary: Alex and Maggie are having a conversation at the bar. (No copyright infringement intended.)


**A/N: I may or may not be obsessed with Alex Danvers (hint: I am). And I keep thinking about her story, about her coming out, details. Her telling Kara that she could remember incidents now that might have told her she was gay, is one of those. Just a little one-shot.**

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"How you're feeling, Danvers?" Maggie slipped into the booth across from Alex, putting two glasses of beer down on the table. She pushed one toward Alex. "Still owed you that drink."

"Yeah." Alex sighed. She pulled the glass toward her, but didn't drink. She let her finger smudge the cool condensing water at the surface.

"You know if you'd rather be alone, I can..." Maggie made to get up, but Alex quickly grabbed at her hand, holding onto it.

For a moment, both stared at the point where Alex was holding Maggie's wrist. Then Alex let go and pulled her hand back. She folded her arms across her chest, suddenly wanting to take up as little space as possible.

Maggie settled back into the booth again. "I don't want it to be awkward between us, you know?"

"Then maybe... you shouldn't have said anything." It sounded sharper in her ear than she'd intended and she flinched. "I mean, what I really wanted... I just wanted to spend time with you, you know. We could've just been friends. I'd never have thought about it if you hadn't... put your finger on it," Alex explained, not looking at Maggie but at the table.

"Because that's how it's been before?" Maggie guessed.

It was a good guess and Alex nodded. "Sooner or later, I would've just stopped calling and..."

"And I would've lost a friend."

Alex sighed. She picked up her beer and drank, but the bitter taste didn't really help with the emptiness engulfing her. "I'm not sure I can do this, Maggie."

"When was the last time you tried?"

This made Alex look up. Curious dark eyes looked back at her. Once again, Maggie wasn't judging or baiting her, she seemed to just want to be there for Alex. How was Alex ever going to resist her if she was being this perfect at being a friend?

"What're you asking?"

"I was just wondering... has there been a situation in your life like this? I mean, lately? A woman that... could've been more?"

Alex had been thinking about signs that might have told her, or even had told her, she was gay for days on end. She'd mostly thought about early memories, high school, college. Thinking further she'd just thought of names of women she'd grown close to and then stopped seeing. She knew who the latest of these women had been.

"Tessa Carmichael. She's working for the D.E.O., but she's relocated to Metropolis."

"Hmmm," Maggie made.

It was a sound that caused goosebumps to jump up all over Alex's arms. How did she even do that to her? And when would it end? Alex pulled her arms closer around her body.

"And you were friends?" Maggie prompted.

"When Hank first recruited me to the D.E.O., he assigned her to me. She was a sort of teacher, mentor even, sparring partner. I'd been a scientist before, and a party girl for some time. I wasn't a complete slob, but I wasn't really in a shape to... hunt criminal aliens either."

"And you guys started to hang out?"

Alex took a deep breath, looking up at Maggie now. She was smiling easily at her, like she did. It told Alex that she was interested and that she wouldn't judge.

"Not at first. Tessa was very professional, I would almost say closed off. I was... I guess you could say, I was a brat when I first came here. Of course, I knew everything better and tried to bait her into letting her guard down. She didn't put up with it, though. She certainly enjoyed kicking my ass those first few weeks. I got angry. I almost quit like a dozen times. One time I walked out during a session and swore I wouldn't come back. But the next day..." Alex shrugged.

"Did you come back for the job or for her?"

Maggie certainly knew to ask tough questions. Alex thought about it for a moment. "I didn't really have a job at that point, I was just learning... to fall on my ass. But I... I admired Tessa. For her toughness. For her resilience. I wanted to be more like her and less like me."

"If that was your goal, you did, Alex. I mean, I was a little bit intimidated the first time we met. The no-nonsense 'tude, the steely gaze. Very government issue law enforcement." While the smile was still in place, Alex didn't doubt that Maggie meant it. She wasn't making fun of her, she was complimenting her. Alex had learnt to read Maggie like that.

She gave her a small smile. "Well, I trained harder to... become like her. She lost some of that stand-offishness and... we became friends. Well, it wasn't until after they took me out in the field for the first time and I encountered... my first alien."

"What happened?"

"I guess you could've called me cocky. I've trained so hard, made progress, got encouraged and then let out of my cage. And got kicked flat on my back for my efforts."

"And stood up again," Maggie said.

"Yeah, and got kicked some more, but... eventually prevailed. We caught the alien and I was accepted as one of the team. They took me out, we drank... too much and then it was just Tessa and me."

Alex thought that Maggie would say something, maybe prompt her again, but she just looked at her with those deep dark eyes. Alex licked her lips, for a moment losing her focus and looking at Maggie's lips. Remembering... and then closing her eyes against the pain of rejection. She cleared her throat.

"We were talking; it felt like the first time because it wasn't about work. We found some things in common, I found out things about her. And I wanted to know more. It became kind of a pattern. We'd go out after a job well done, sometimes with others, sometimes alone. At that time, there weren't many women working in the field, it made sense that we would band together. But..." Alex shook her head.

"It was different?"

"Not... I've been thinking about... friendships I've had over the years. Female friendships. It wasn't really different from those. The thing is, I've usually only had one friend. One close friend. Kara would have... a whole group of friends that would hang out, but for me... I liked spending time with one person, one girl. And... then it was Tessa."

"What happened between you two?"

Alex shook her head. "Nothing that I couldn't explain away. At the time, I thought of it as her getting clingy, but what really happened was..." She took another deep breath. "I loved spending time with her. I loved the way she would put her arm around my shoulders, pull me to her, call me Rookie. One evening, we were at the bar with some others, she got pretty hammered. And she kept looking at me like we shared a secret. And... suddenly I felt trapped, like... if I'd let this evening play out there was no denying anymore, no going back. And I... hooked up with one of the guys instead." Alex pulled her shoulders up. She felt nauseous.

"You were just protecting yourself, Alex," Maggie said.

"I guess, but... fact is, I hurt her. She pulled back completely. One evening we were friends, the next all our colleagues got backlash from the cold between us. And two weeks later she transferred out of National City."

Alex picked up her beer and took a deep pull. It tasted better now, it felt soothing and she drank some more.

"Did you ever hear from her again?"

"Not directly. Through the rumor mill, I heard she had a girlfriend. One of the women from the Metropolis lab. I hear she's happy." Alex smiled.

"Happy is good."

"Ha, yeah, happy is good," Alex said smiling, but it was short lived. She closed her eyes for a moment, fighting the urge to ask Maggie why she couldn't be happy, why she wouldn't let her be happy. The moment she thought it, she already felt pathetic. She wasn't like that. She wasn't petty. And she wasn't going to whine somebody into loving her, especially not a good friend like Maggie.

"You'll be getting there," Maggie promised. It was just a whisper.

Alex nodded. "So will you again."

Long seconds passed without Alex opening her eyes. She didn't dare look at Maggie, she could just picture her compassionate smile. It was too much for her right now.

"Shoot some pool?" Maggie asked into her pity-party.

Alex opened her eyes. Maggie was smirking. "Are you planning on paying me for kicking your butt again?"

Maggie shrugged. "Maybe you'll be paying me for kicking your ass this time."

"Fat chance." Alex slipped out of the booth, taking her beer with her. And for the moment, she felt almost good, less broken.


End file.
